We are brittle, ashamed, and human

When you live in solitude long enough, there comes a time when you recognize who you truly are. “True”, in the sense “unobscured by others”.

I am not used to taking care of myself. I have more to do since I have to do everything. I am lonely.

In the beginning you could use the solitude as an excuse. But one day you will realize… this is who you are when you are on your own. When everyone has been hidden away from you. When you don’t have anyone to rely on to give you a role, a script, a mask. When you are left alone, vulnerable.

This is who you truly are.

Without any imput from the outside, you become both numb and overly sensitized. With the hard shell holding everything together stripped away, inside the crumbling mess you find pieces of yourself you had hidden away so that no one can see it. Weaknesses. Embarrassment. Shame. Disgust. Surrender and hopelessness.

Fall apart.
So easily… fallen apart.

No one can know. Because if they knew, and they rejected you, you couldn’t live with the pain. Because if they knew, and they embraced you, you will fall apart into pieces. Even now, you are waiting for someone to pick you up and tell you that they love you the way you are. Even now, when you have hidden yourself away from everyone.

Hide. Don’t hide.
Give up. Don’t give up.

Empty. A corpse is so empty and so cold. A lifeless thing. No pain, no pleasure. Give the knife in your pocket a reassuring pat and gather up. Go on living… because life is whatever you think it is. Find comfort in life, in death – wherever you can, however you can. According to your own compass that you build and take apart, build and take apart…

Alone… Together.

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remains

Flames, be it big or small
Fascinating
Their dangers are their beauty
Their lethality is our survival

I once laid my hand in the flame
And it welcomed me
So I let myself be embraced in its love and care

The next time I wanted to plunge in
It rejected me with blisters that burst, bled and scabbed over
What’s wrong, my love?
It did not answer

After that I was wary
The wounds wouldn’t heal
Sligthest chill made them bleedAnd flow like my tears

Knowledge gained, fruit consumed;
Once I saw its moodiness and unpredictability
I couldn’t unsee
Every time I approach heavy dread slows me down
Will it welcome me? Will it burn me alive?
Or: Will it extinguish itself, choosing non-existence over me?

So many bright sparks around me
But I’m afraid to step forward
Every burn has a pulse in my veins
Every extinction another blow to my heart
A bloody, beaten, dripping mess

I tried closing my eyes but the flames danced upon my lids
I tried turning my back until loneliness cut through to my core
I tried, countless times, imagining a beautiful spark coming to life in my palms
Each time it died without a trace and left an ever-lasting coldness behind

Make no mistake,
I’ve plenty fires surrounding me
They give me light, lend me their warmth
They comfort me wordlessly over every hurt
I’ve gotten so used to them I forget they exist
I take their hugs for granted
But their presence is no forever-guarantee
They forget, they die, they leave, but they also remain

I forget I am a flame too
I burn brightly to hide my scars
I am the barely visible embers to stay undetected
You might be afraid of me
Will I caress you? Or will I annihilate you without a backward glance?

Everything eventually withers
We all go back to ashes
Dust becomes nothingness
But we all carry each other as scars
We keep each other alive

thank you, hawthorne

What’s my black veil?
Indifference. Choosiness. Pickiness.
Even politeness.

A shield. A fortress.
A scared individual hiding behind
It’s no symbol, no bold truth
There might be no black crapes in front of my face
But there is a black bundle huddling inside my chest

I keep drawing the line
Venture outside, only to scurry back
Is it pride I’m trying to save? Is it worth this?
Awkwardness betweeen people. A charity case. Unnecessary tension.
I hate that more than being ignored, I suppose
So I hide, I fade, I disappear

Such hard surface
No soil for trust to grow in
A diverted gaze
At least the earth can’t reject me

Not everything means anything
Sometimes nothing means something
So far fate hasn’t shown its face
But I have so many fateful connections

Disconnection. Now. Here.
Connection. Then. There.
Is distance keeping me safe? Or is it dehumanizing me?
Can I truly survive on my own?

Terror creeps in
Unlike any other kind
Elusive like a fog
Deadly as poison
It’s sure to leave its marks

Should I embrace the slow death?
Or fight against it tooth and nail?
Humans needs are insatiable
Fulfill one and another springs up
A greedy monster leaving nothing but emptiness

So tired today
Too tired for this fight
I keep picking with myself

Why do I still need others’ validation?
If I show I’m laughing
When I toss my hair just-so
Is it all a show?

Whom am I trying to convince anyway?

A battle against myself
There’s no win, there’s no lose
I keep running myself to ground
A bloody, dusty fragments of Se;f