Breaking the silence

Congratulations, you faced off your fear! Now buckle up and brace yourself for an onslaught of shame.

The decision to stop running and turning around is the first step, but it’s also the easiest step. What you see when you square your shoulders and turn your body – it might be smaller or less deadly than you imagined. But there is a reason why you were scared of this creature in the first place. 

We will cry. We will scream a silent cry as our hearts burst open and all the foul, sticky mess comes spilling out along with our life’s blood. 
We will avoid its gaze, because we are desperate enough to give in to our fancy that if we can’t see it, it won’t be able to see us, like small children who can’t comprehend the concept of reality outside of their sight.
We will despair at the enormity of our task, but there is nothing that we could have done to prepare ourselves. We have to kick its ass unscripted, inadequate and clumsy. We will fall on our own asses. We will sweat and bleed and let tears stream down our faces. We will rave like lunatics, and cower in the corner trapped by our nightmares. 

And we will stand again. Wipe the  tears and sweat and blood and look into the beast’s eyes again. Speak the truth again. Feel our shattered and pieced-together heart beat again.

I am exorcising the ghosts again – the old and the new, the real and  the projected. I am taking a hard look at my selfish, self-pitying, indifferent mess of self again, and trying to see the human in it.