pain

Red drops on white tile
What a romantic idea
Reality’s more like bloody phlegm
But similes don’t matter when you are in pain

As my body braces itself for the assault
My mind goes blank and statics buzz in my ear
I can retain no memory
Nothing leaves behind

I’m only aware of the dull ache
The throbbing pain
My small of the back radiates pinpricks
Nausea steals any reason

My mind takes a forced vacation

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a smudge

Squint if you want to see me
Focus if you want to hear me
Be still if you want to feel me

I am the gray sky in a rainy weather
I am the blank page on a white wall
I am the blurry object in a photograph

I don’t bite but I refuse to conform
I’ll answer but I won’t stay if you’d rather be distracted
Just because I’m quiet doesn’t mean I’m empty

I’m not all bright colors or flashy glitters
I’m no fresh breath of air
No I blend in, I observe, I think

Three streams have met together and merged
I am the hot spring of East and West
I am not special. I’m just me

You don’t ignore me. You don’t see me
I make that happen, on purpose, partly
I don’t want to be noticed because if I am, you’ll expect me to say something clever.

I don’t have anything clever to say.

I am a smudge, rarely seen and easily forgotten, until
someone tries to rub me away

a place

A Place.
A continent, a country, a city, a building
Neatly severed by invisible lines, visible walls

A place contains always more than you imagined
Smells, colors, shapes, feeling in the air
The texture of the carpet
The sharp and cozy tang of the autumn
Passants avoiding each other’s eyes
People using each other without meaning to
A quiet corner to disappear into

A place contains always less than you imagined
All the hopes and pretty expectations fade quickly in the reality
A battle with no chance of winning
No one glides through the maze of life
We crawl, we limp, we drag, we stumble
Sometimes we run to escape, sometimes in eagerness to arrive

A pretty picture, seemingly imitable –
Once captured, we try to wedge the reality in its frames
We build a shrine, a surrounding, a whole world in our head
When reality overwhelms us, that’s the place we go to
We are kings and queens, the absolute dictator in a one-person republic
We are slaves to our dreams and wishes

Dreams and wishes
Why do we have them?
Without them the reality hurts too much
They are our drugs of choice
Anything to make us hurt less

Simplify if too complicated
Elaborate if too boring
Beautify if too ugly, too naked
Love, sorrow, desire, fun, despair, fulfillment, hollowedness, empowerment, mocking irony
You can add every flavor or life in the poor makeshift imitation

We slap the bandage over our bleeding hearts hoping to heal the wounds
Yet when we rip it off, the blood still drips out in the same rhythm
All we have gained is a distance in time
All we manage to do is to delay

Delay everything – to our deaths.

What is hurting?
Something only hurts because we expected something else

Improve – says the idealist
Improve = now + something better, draws the mathmatician
Define better, says the lawyer
Compare, says the sociologist
You know it already, says my heart

In the death of the night
Midst the darkness
I can freely admit
I crave to draw a line
And cross it without looking back

Even though I personally know
Self-abuse is overrated & romanticized
The thought of my own red tears
Streaming out and running down
Makes my heart trip just a little faster

I mean, what’s there to lighting up one?
After that first drag, the slow huff
You can’t control your shivering
Your fingers turn cold and clumsy
Your nose starts running

A glass of fiery liquid
Looks so chic on your wooden desk
Tilt the light just-so for a max effect
Pick it up, swirl it, draw in the scent
Send it blazing down your throat
Fall asleep

It’s not doing that attracts you
It’s the fantasizing that has you seduced
You can play out the dirty, the nasty, the dangerous, the stupid…
Without any hard evidence
Just playing with a fire that could torch up your mind

Give and take
A war of tuggings
Resist. Succumb.
Selflessness. Selfishness.
Whip yourself up for not being good enough
Give in to the sweet relief of gutter; you can’t fall when you’re at rock bottom
Take it all. Take nothing.

Is it kindness if you’re raking yourself raw for not being kind enough?
Success. Social rules. Survival.
How do I break them all?
Day for the obligations, night for the desires?

Is it caring if my conscience has to force me to care?
Cold heart. Dry eyes. Deaf ears.
Can I finally accept my hypocrisy?
Can I learn not to judge myself for it?

Cry your blood, turn your stone into a heart
Inflict pain, celebrate the scars
Laugh at your idiocy, weep for the world’s misery
Go hungry, sleep out a food coma
Love with every inch of your body. Withdraw to the smallest corner of your mind.

What’s love without a little hate?

wasteland of my mind

Walking barefoot through the wasteland of my mind
A red trail of life carelessly left behind
The sounds that penetrate me
And the movements my body makes
Sensuality fills me up – expands me!
Fear cannot take root
Anxiety cannot take a breath
There is no room for judgment, for hesitation, for consideration
Only me, my desire, my curiosity
I must explore, leap into fire, jump into frigid water, open up my veins
And celebrate

There is nothing here
Nothing but skulls, bones, decaying flesh, crushed stones
There is no limit, no rules
There is no pain, only experience
No danger, only excitement
No future, only now.

Reason is my considerate lover
She leaves me in chains
Because she knows how much I like being tied up
She turns off the lights, locks the door
But she always returns to me
Unlocks the bonds, rains kisses down my arm
A dance of seduction
A perfect merging in the mind
She steps in with me
And carelessly flings the door shut

We have left the reality behind

You crave this, you want me
What I can offer you
That complete abandon
That thrilling jump off the cliff
We are free-born
Nothing can hurt us
At least we’ll die in ecstasy
You are a tamed beast
But you writhe in your invisible chains of convention, promises, structure
Let go, let go, letgo of the people you hold onto
They don’t matter no one matters
Nothing matters but that we feel
Take me, rise over me, make me moan, move with me, fill me with all you have, let go of that
Tight
Control
Become a beast once again

Aren’t we all two-faced creatures?
Beasts in suits and dresses and socks
We still connect with the animal in us

It’s a choice for you
Choose to go back
Choose to lock me up
Choose to forget me
You’re just afraid you’ll forget yourself and stay forever with me
I am not the one seducing you
You are attracted
You can’t resist
Running your hands over me, touching the slopes and dips
Placing a kiss, then two, and three, on my lips
Open my mouth with your tongue
You can’t resist me
Touch me, enjoy your feast, let’s merge, become one forever
I am your sensual lover
I am your carefree slave
Oh but baby why is it you sitting in chains?