Headache. Anxiety. Binge-eating, then (understandably) feeling sick.
Okay. Something’s afoot.
After all the lengths I have gone to in order to ensure that I am free of stressful burden, why am I not throwing a party, dancing in the rain, playing the sloth, or doing the things on top of my I’ll-get-to-it-once-I-have-more-time list?
I have time right now! In fact, I did all I could to make sure I have these months to myself. So why am I feeling restless and anxious?
Then the answer hit me: I don’t think I deserve this.
Like, gimme a friggin’ break, brain.
That’s the thing about creating a vacuum, I guess. We all go on thinking, If I only had some free time… and when that free time rolls around, we don’t do all the awesome, fulfilling things we had planned. At least I don’t because I appear to have some serious issues.
I could spend days, weeks, months care-free and happy. Creative. Relaxed. But no, I am already tensed about somehow mangling this precious time (I seriously borrow trouble) and I am anxious because I feel I don’t deserve to be happy and creative and relaxed. When will I ever allow myself to think I deserve happiness, I wonder? After getting a kick-ass degree? After finding a job? After saving the world from its every harm?
My feelings of inadequacy have always been there and they’ve been driving me crazy for years. I guess that’s the core of it. Guilt is a byproduct of feeling inadequate and undeserving. Because that’s how I still think – that you have to earn happiness. You have to do something to deserve it.
So I keep feeling like shit and being stressed out. I keep having all these ailments that are small yet persistent and always appear without a cause. Maybe because I think I am allowed to abandon that way of thinking when – and only while! – I am sick. As soon as I am back on my feet, I go back to thinking I should be feeling miserable all the time.
It’s somehow easier to think, to generalize, that everyone deserves happiness. When it comes to myself, the sentence “I deserve to be happy” doesn’t roll as easily off the tongue. Maybe because I know all about my own dark side? Because I know all the petty, mean, selfish, aloof thoughts that I have? With others, it’s like oh yeah, sure, everyone has troubles, issues, dark sides, but with me it’s like OMG YOU WHAT?!
I don’t know if this means I think too highly or too lowly of myself.