I am not ready

It is very frustrating to realize that I can’t wave a magic wand and have myself “fixed” immediately. It is frustrating… and at the same time, I am relieved. This time, I saw and recognized the signs before I deteriorated the second time. Or third time? Or is it fourth? Does it matter?

I have come far since last month. But it has been only a month. I know I can’t ask of myself to be on full swing… but I had hoped that without the classes and the pressure from exams, I might be able to write a research paper on the area of prostitution and its legalization in Germany. A fascinating topic. Enough materials, I think. The only problem? By the time I had surfaced from the ocean of self-hate, depression and self-doubt, not to mention the slooow recovery from my balance problem, I had two weeks left to complete the paper. I still have ten days to turn it in.

And I can’t do it. I am mentally not able to do it. It’s just not that I am having difficulty concentrating and understanding the dense reading materials, although it’s certainly a part of it. The equally big part, though… it’s going to sound stupid. But I can’t face those people. The law people.
I was at the faculty library on Wednesday for four hours, and I came home with a headache that I tried to sleep off. Headaches I can deal with… what I can’t is that I was drowning in self-doubt once again. Hundreds of students with a blank look on their face, their permanently frozen facial muscles, their looks of disinterest. When they are forced to talk, they talk only to the people they know and laugh about some obscure things I can’t even begin to comprehend. Seeing them has sent me into a tailspin of all the negative emotions I have come to associate with the past two years (mind you, there have been wonderful times in those two years as well).

And I have to deal with them for two weeks in August?! Every. Single. Day?!!

I can’t do it. It will reset every progress that I have made and will make until August.

I know I am choosing not to face the triggers. I am equally aware of the fact that I can’t shield myself from every blow. I am taking the easy way out, just like I did with AIESEC. I am breaking ethical promises. On the other hand, I have made personal promises to myself, including taking care of myself and being authentic. If keeping the ethical promises means that I have to bend and break myself into a pretzel in order fulfill them, then I have a decision to make. I must decide between those two sets of promises. Each decision has a benefit and a drawback.

This time, I am not agonizing about what everyone else will think. Just like the decisions I’d made over the past month, I will make this one on my own and shoulder the consequences. I will learn not to care if people blame me for my choice. I am not going to blame myself for my choice.

I am not ready. I am taking care of myself and will continue to do so. So the answer, for me, is obvious.


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