At first I stayed because I had promised myself I’d stay at least two hours. Then I didn’t want to be seen as the “serious Asian” so I stayed an hour longer. Then I was having fun, so I stayed another hour.
During the first phase, this really nice and naturally affectionate girl asked me whether I have a boyfriend (she having assumed that I was heterosexual), which I denied. She has a boyfriend who doesn’t seem to appreciate her love & affection as much as he ought (but not ending the relationship either) but then again, all my information is second-hand (although a quite reliable source). Anyway, then came a guy who is pursuing the same academic interest as I. We could have swapped horror stories, told inside jokesz whatever, but the general atmosphere (and his overall behavior) dictated that we don’t talk about university stuff. So we didn’t.
During the second and third phase, I notice the boy – sorry, young man, whatever – paying close attention to the girl/young woman. Now I don’t know whether there was anything behind it. But I fleetingly wished they would fall in love so that she can have a healthy, happy relationship.
But who am I to dictate about relationships? I’ve never been in one, and never made any attempt to. Most of the time I don’t feel comfortable enough around people to be completely myself. And if I do around certain people, it is too comfortable and there is no sexual tug whatsoever. Or it’s the wrong kind of uncomfortableness.
I don’t know a shit about relationships, romantic or otherwise. Unless circumstances are conveniently arranged for me, I am not capable of establishing and keeping a relationship. I just don’t care enough, I guess. But then again, the other parties don’t either, so we are all to blame, if we want to play the blame game.
I want to meet someone I can have intellectually stimulating conversation with and who at the same time shares a strong sexual pull with me. I still believe it is possible. I just don’t know when.