For the first time I’m feeling I can live as myself…

I’ve never felt more “adult” like I am feelin’ now.

For the first time in my life, I’m truly independent in every aspect but financial. I do not wish to imply that the financial aspect isn’t important! In fact, some people may view it as the most important. I do, too… but some people can’t live alone or take care of themselves even if they do have the money.

A week or so ago I wrote about my low self-esteem and how worthless I feel because my academic life is at its lowest, which in turn makes me almost hate studying. Argh. It’s complicated. Anyway. I felt like with my academic success taken away, I couldn’t be proud of myself.

And I’ve proved myself wrong.
In the last 46 hours, I’ve been completely alone – without my family, without friends. But I wanted to be alone. I needed to be alone. My Dad thankfully understood my need and didn’t even phone me. I called him today morning when I felt I was ready.
In these hours, I’ve viciously attacked every inch of dust in the house, vacuumed and scrubbed the floor, cleaned the bathroom, re-arranged stuff, taken care of four meals and done the dishes.

I probably sound like a spoiled brat. Well, I am a terribly spoiled child/adult. The combination of Asian family + youngest child + girl often leads to being spoiled; if you are Asian, you’d understand. If you aren’t, maybe you still can. Or can’t. Either way’s fine with me.

The thing is, I knew I’d be okay living by myself. Sure, loneliness would sneak up on me every now and then. But I have uni. I have casual friends. My family is still reachable.
And yet it is such a huge step. I guess I’ve been fretting about it for quite some time. But when push came to shove, so to speak, my brain went right on survival mode. I haven’t procrastinated anything but my school work. But it feels so good. This being-able-to-take-care-of-myself thing. I also love it that I for the first time in my life have complete freedom regarding the space, the food, the schedule. With freedom comes responsibility, and I make sure to hold my freedom in check my dutifully going after my responsibilities.

The only thing that bothers me is silence. I’ve watched BBC’s Pride & Prejudice while eating (so much for not watching telly during meals). I’ve cranked up Taylor Swift while cleaning the bathroom. I’m listening to music (obnoxious, chauvinist lyrics with passable melody) right now. And I’m feeling fine. I also feel like a Korean and a German and an English-speaker (not enough cultural influence from either the GB or USA – just linguistic influence). Aaaand… I’m not afraid to own it. Even if my family should happen to stumble upon this blog, I’d be a bit embarrassed but at the same time I’d own my thoughts and activities with my chin held high.

I am eternally grateful for my financial backers for making my life so much comfortable. I know I could write today’s post because of them. Feeling empowered from cleaning house doesn’t mean a thing if you are tight on money and always worrying about how to save a bit more.
But maybe I should stop thinking that they are only doing this because they want me to study. No, I would like to believe that they want me to live. There’s so much more that belongs to living than having your nose buried in your textbook.

And I’m happy right now.


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