It’s hard to believe that the Summer Solstice is already upon us!
Even harder to believe is the fact that today is the longest day of the year when I have been cooped up inside, brooding, for weeks. Also, it’s too cold to be in the middle of summer; it’s barely 20 degrees Celsius out there!
So yeah, I’d envisioned my summer to be a lot better than reality that I’m facing now. I’d expected it to be cozy, warm, settled – with me diligently studying away.
It’s such a nice picture to hold in my mind.
Anyway, in truth I’m restless and anxious and picky. I dread the departure of my mother and sister, and at the same time I embrace it. University works – both the subjects and the people – wear me out and leave me grumpy and drained. The last thing I want to do on a weekend is to pick up a law textbook and bury my head in it. Although I know that I should. Especially since the exams are rubbing their hands to pounce on me as soon as July starts. I haven’t even started to figure out how to run a household. And I can’t cook. Yet. (Hopefully it’s a yet, not a never.) I’ve had this cold with me for a month now, and this dreaded thing refuses to go away. Oh, its nerves! It’s just yesterday that I have figured out why I’m so unhappy with myself, my life – well, with everything. Why I felt so brittle, and why everyone’s words were like sharp glass shards cutting into my skin. Why brain refused to work and why I wanted to escape to the dreamless sleep so frequently. Why I felt like on the verge of crying.
It’s a long journey. Hell, life’s a long journey. I’ve just begun it, but sometimes, in the midst of chaos of everything, it’s easy to forget the fact that I’m a human, and that I’ve only begun to live my life. I keep demanding more and more of myself because I figure why should I be able to do all this and more? And I wonder why my load is so heavy.
Yeah, people can be real stupid sometimes.
I have always figured Litha to be the peak of the year. But maybe I could change my perspective so that it’s just another reminder that time has passed and life goes on. That I can pull it through, just like I have in the past and just like I will in the future, countless times.