Happy birthday, N.

Sometimes it feels like as if there isn’t enough of “me” to go around.

We affect every person we meet and interact with. We give the person something of ours and receive something of the person’s in return.
Is it just a small impression, a thought-provoking remark, a gesture of kindness? Is it anger and bitterness that douse our moods? Is it something that will change our life in a huge way?
Does it matter? I don’t know. It’s just that every time I interact… I seem to “lose” something of me (but considering I have been influenced by many many people in my life, maybe it’s just a accumulation of other people).
So that’s why I am finding myself alone lately, because I’m afraid I will slowly fade away among the sea of humans, fade into one of them or all of them until all I am is a faint whisper of memory.

I’m sorry. I’m not sorry that I had to be so irrational all the time because that’s my problem. But I am sorry that we all couldn’t spend the time we had together. I’m sorry I always backed out and even when I did come along, it was out of a sense of obligation. I think I haven’t valued you guys enough. Now it’s late, now we are scattered around. I still have the impression I don’t go along with everyone from our group. Sometimes I feel invisible among you guys. We often talk about insignificant things and I don’t feel like I know you guys in depth. Because we all of us have depth.

Will I find new friends at the uni? Goodness, I hope so. Will you all fade away over the decades? That I don’t know. Just know this: you guys have meant a lot to me at a certain point of my life. We have come apart, but once we were tightly together. You have partially the claim (and responsibility?) that you have made me who I am today.

I think I will miss you from time to time. I know most of us – if not all – will be okay after this separation. We will meet again around Christmas. Until then, good luck and enjoy all that life has to offer. The quiet and the loud. The joy and the sorrow. The good and the bad, and become a different person than you are today. Don’t stay the same, because that means your life is in stagnation.

Happy birthday, N. And thank you.

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