I don’t know exactly when it started. Looking back at the past, though, has revealed something about me that I have been ignoring for some time now:
I’m impatient to get to the end of my life.
Now, don’t get me wrong – I don’t mean this in a suicidal way.
It seems I have subconsciously mapped out a plan for my life, and I just want to get to the end of that plan, so I can say “So there. I’ve done something with my life.” The plan isn’t even terribly creative: finish high school, obtain a degree in Law, get a “good” job, love & live with my soul mate forever after if I find him / her.
It’s funny. Some years ago, I found myself living in the past, running away from my presence. Now I’m doing the exact same thing, just in another direction: I’m barely enduring my presence and fleeing towards the future.
It’s like I’m tightly coiled to a small ball, ready to strike out to anyone and anything. I need to force myself to relax my iron grip on all those controls I have surrounded myself with. I need to slow down and try to see the beauty in the life that I am currently breathing in. But it’s so hard – so hard to let myself go, to let myself feel .
Add to that the fact that I am now in a completely new environment with no friends to count on. I’m a shy person, so it’s hard for me to chat up strangers. And I’m reminded – involuntarily – of all those disastrous times whenever I started a new school, in the 5th grade when I have just moved to Germany, and in the 7th grade, starting high school. My brain still remembers all those embarrassing moments when I said hi to people I have met the day before and they looked at me distractedly and then ignored me the whole time. The times I have walked among a big group of girls, saying nothing and not being noticed whether I was there or not, just so I wouldn’t have to be alone. That time when I thought I had made two good friends and we would be friends forever, and then finding out that they just let me tag along as a third wheel because really, those two were BFF with each other and there was no place for me to join in. I still remember how the conversation would die out whenever I wanted to join in – was I too serious, too intense? Did I look bored? Did I smell funny?
All those attempts to fit in, and all those little scars that have accumulated over the years as I looked despairingly at myself, trying to figure out the flaw so I could erase it from my system. I wanted to be funny, talkative, outgoing, cheerful – the kind of person that attracts other people like a magnet.
And finally I gave up all that. I had by then a group of people I was comfortable with, and even though it’s loyalty to each other that still holds us together, I settled for my group of friends, more than content. The last two years of high school were great, because by then I knew everyone and I had many inspiring and deep conversation with my teachers (for which I was looked at funnily).
And now? Now I’m exactly at the same place as six years ago. I don’t know anyone, the teachers are more professional and less personal, and there is little opportunity to mix with different groups of students (the first-year Law students at my school are around 460 in number). I think I have been trying to protect myself from being hurt again while navigating through the turbulent waters that I call socializing. So far, I have been keeping to myself, not trying to attach myself to an unknown group of people, not reaching out, just curling up to a small ball. It’s not like anyone notices anyway, except for maybe one person, and I only know her because she’s a friend of my sister’s. I just don’t know how to start a conversation, and more importantly, how to keep it going. And truth be told, I’m tired and wary of all those small talks.
It’s Samhain. The Witches’ New Year. A time for me to make resolutions.
To be more honest and careful with myself.
To try to be more open and friendly.
To be more positive towards myself and my life.
To do more things that make me happy.
To write more, because it seems to have a healing effect on me.
To be able to relax in stressful situations.